A friend told me of the conversation he had with another man after he broke the news that his 27 year marriage was coming to an end. His friend, married 25 years, was aghast. Looked at him wide-eyed, and in a state of shock exclaimed “So I’m not safe yet?”
Life is unpredictable. Setbacks, challenges and change form part of its rich tapestry.
And all you’ll accomplish by worrying or fretting over things you can’t control in the future is to diminish your happiness and destroy your peace of mind today.
“Joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience. And if you cannot tolerate joy what you do is you start dress rehearsing tragedy.”
Brene Brown, researcher on vulnerability.
Now, what if you became so invested in the present, in being present, that you revel in the fullness of life here and now? The joy of your relationship as it is here and now?
What if you took your attention and energy off trying to control the uncontrollable?
What then would you free that up for?
When you awake each morning you’ve enough energy to run your life for that day. 25% of which gets used up in thought, according to Dr. Bruce Lipton.
What are the thoughts you want to feed each day? Thoughts of love, joy, gratitude, optimism and faith? Or fear, worry and anxiety?
You get to choose, and the thoughts you think will lay a path to your future.
For instance, if you’re worried or anxious about whether your relationship will last, you won’t be as much fun to be with. You might find yourself, as the saying goes, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Whereas you could let your mind go towards thoughts of “I feel so blessed to be here with this amazing woman, and share all we do together. I feel so happy and grateful right now.”
Which thoughts do you think would be of greater benefit to you and your relationship?
Now we all have doubts about our own self-worth from time to time. And when you’re in any way anxious or worried, you broadcast that via your energetic vibration, your body language and demeanour.
If you were to persist in this, it could happen that in time your partner begins thinking along the lines of, “I notice my man doesn’t seem to be as happy as he was when we first met. Is it something I’ve done? Is he annoyed because I said/did…? Is it because he’s not really attracted to me anymore? I know I’ve put a bit of weight on over the past while, maybe that’s the problem. Maybe he’s attracted to someone else. Oh God, maybe he’s seeing someone else.”
“I deserve better than this. I’m outta here!”
Your thoughts are creative and when they spiral from happy to fearful, can create the very thing you most want to avoid.
Fear that your relationship won’t last can become a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Try calming the fear and anxiety with a reality check. By bringing yourself back to this present moment, to what is, and remind yourself of what actually is. Perhaps something like…
“Hang on a sec now. Of all the men in all the world, this woman is choosing to be with me right now. I love and adore her. I feel so happy that we’re together, that I found her. I hope we’ll be together forever. I’d like that. But I know I can’t control the future. And trying to do so will only take from our happiness now. Who knows how much longer we’ll be together. Or how long either of us will be in this life. That’s not ours to know. So let’s not waste a moment thinking about it. Rather, let’s enjoy this moment, this day. Milk it for all it’s worth. Fill it with love, joy, gratitude, and anything else that feels good to us. And if tomorrow is to be ours, let’s wake up and do it again.”
And in time, all the moments, all the days you spend together, add up to a life together. A life that you’re actually present in to enjoy.
And most importantly, believe you deserve it. A man can be in a great relationship with a wonderful woman, yet can’t enjoy any of it. Not because there’s anything wrong, or there’s any real, actual live problem. But because…
He doesn't believe he deserves it.
Often that’s a conclusion arrived at through negative self-judgment, after listening too long and too often to criticisms and put-downs. Or spending too long marinating in fear, guilt, shame, or faulty self-perception.
Believe you deserve it, because you do.
Believe you’re worthy of it, because you are.
Imagine a guy heading off to play football. He gets to the pitch, heavy kit bag in hand, and heads to the dressing room to change. Then instead of leaving it there and going out to enjoy the match, he picks up his bag and insists on hauling it with him onto the pitch.
Is there anything you’re hauling with you into this relationship that it would be wiser to leave behind? That you’ve not been able to set down up to now?
If after pondering the question, you think there may be, consider getting professional help in working through it; such as from a qualified counsellor or psychotherapist.
Because life is too short and too beautiful to let any wreckage of the past overshadow your life and relationship today.