Will My Relationship Last For The Rest Of My Life, And What Do I Do To Make It Work?

A friend told me of the conversation he had with another man after he broke the news that his 27 year marriage was coming to an end. His friend, married 25 years, was aghast. Looked at him wide-eyed, and in a state of shock exclaimed “So I’m not safe yet?”

Life is unpredictable. Setbacks, challenges and change form part of its rich tapestry.

And all you’ll accomplish by worrying or fretting over things you can’t control in the future is to diminish your happiness and destroy your peace of mind today.

“Joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience. And if you cannot tolerate joy what you do is you start dress rehearsing tragedy.” 

Brene Brown, researcher on vulnerability.

Invest In The Present

Now, what if you became so invested in the present, in being present, that you revel in the fullness of life here and now? The joy of your relationship as it is here and now?

What if you took your attention and energy off trying to control the uncontrollable?

What then would you free that up for?

When you awake each morning you’ve enough energy to run your life for that day. 25% of which gets used up in thought, according to Dr. Bruce Lipton.

What are the thoughts you want to feed each day? Thoughts of love, joy, gratitude, optimism and faith? Or fear, worry and anxiety?

You get to choose, and the thoughts you think will lay a path to your future. 

Which Is Of Greater Benefit?

For instance, if you’re worried or anxious about whether your relationship will last, you won’t be as much fun to be with. You might find yourself, as the saying goes,  waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Whereas you could let your mind go towards thoughts of “I feel so blessed to be here with this amazing woman, and share all we do together. I feel so happy and grateful right now.”

Which thoughts do you think would be of greater benefit to you and your relationship?

When You're Anxious Or Worried...

Now we all have doubts about our own self-worth from time to time. And when you’re in any way anxious or worried, you broadcast that via your energetic vibration, your body language and demeanour.

If you were to persist in this, it could happen that in time your partner begins thinking along the lines of, “I notice my man doesn’t seem to be as happy as he was when we first met. Is it something I’ve done? Is he annoyed because I said/did…? Is it because he’s not really attracted to me anymore? I know I’ve put a bit of weight on over the past while, maybe that’s the problem. Maybe he’s attracted to someone else. Oh God, maybe he’s seeing someone else.”

And eventually…

“I deserve better than this. I’m outta here!”

Your thoughts are creative and when they spiral from happy to fearful, can create the very thing you most want to avoid. 

Fear that your relationship won’t last can become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

So what’s the solution?

Try calming the fear and anxiety with a reality check. By bringing yourself back to this present moment, to what is, and remind yourself of what actually is. Perhaps something like…

“Hang on a sec now. Of all the men in all the world, this woman is choosing to be with me right now. I love and adore her. I feel so happy that we’re together, that I found her. I hope we’ll be together forever. I’d like that. But I know I can’t control the future. And trying to do so will only take from our happiness now. Who knows how much longer we’ll be together. Or how long either of us will be in this life. That’s not ours to know. So let’s not waste a moment thinking about it. Rather, let’s enjoy this moment, this day. Milk it for all it’s worth. Fill it with love, joy, gratitude, and anything else that feels good to us. And if tomorrow is to be ours, let’s wake up and do it again.”

And in time, all the moments, all the days you spend together, add up to a life together. A life that you’re actually present in to enjoy.

What Do I Have To Do To Make It Work?

  • Relax! Tense men are no fun to be around. 🙂
  • And stop asking the question. Because if she’s with you, and right now you’re both happy, it's ‘working’.
  • Also, in asking that question you take yourself out of ease and into stress. And stress is not only a relationship killer, it’s a life killer.

And most importantly, believe you deserve it. A man can be in a great relationship with a wonderful woman, yet can’t enjoy any of it. Not because there’s anything wrong, or there’s any real, actual live problem. But because…

He doesn't believe he deserves it.

Often that’s a conclusion arrived at through negative self-judgment, after listening too long and too often to criticisms and put-downs. Or spending too long marinating in fear, guilt, shame, or faulty self-perception.

Believe you deserve it, because you do.
Believe you’re worthy of it, because you are.

Are You Taking Your Kit Bag Onto The Pitch?

Imagine a guy heading off to play football. He gets to the pitch, heavy kit bag in hand, and heads to the dressing room to change. Then instead of leaving it there and going out to enjoy the match, he picks up his bag and insists on hauling it with him onto the pitch.

Is there anything you’re hauling with you into this relationship that it would be wiser to leave behind? That you’ve not been able to set down up to now?

If after pondering the question, you think there may be, consider getting professional help in working through it; such as from a qualified counsellor or psychotherapist.

Because life is too short and too beautiful to let any wreckage of the past overshadow your life and relationship today.

Isn't it?

Leave a Comment:

2 comments
Sean says January 21, 2020

Why do I feel from this article that I’m in the wrong?

Is it always the man in the wrong?

What does a man do when he’s in the right?

Reply
    Abi O'Donovan says January 21, 2020

    Hi Sean,

    1) Why do I feel from this article that I’m in the wrong?

    I’ve no idea!

    But ever since Adam bit into the apple, so the story goes, many of us have had to contend with being told that we were fallen, born into sin etc. In other words ‘wrong’ and at such a young age, when our minds were like sponges and took everything in.

    Not to mention how caretakers in their various roles hopped on that bandwagon.

    So, many of us, men and women, often spent years if not decades living with a background sense or feeling of ‘wrong’ yet never being able to put a finger on why!

    If the above rings true for you, you may find at times that your ‘wrong’ button is easily triggered.

    Your conscious mind only started to develop around the age of 7. Before that everything went completely unfiltered into your subconscious mind.

    What we were exposed to before the age of 7 is the programming that we tend to live out of for the rest of our lives, unless we find a way to install a new programme. The old programme tends to be negative, self-defeating and disempowering. This short video by Dr. Bruce Lipton explains how we downloaded the old negative programmes and how to reprogramme the subconscious mind https://youtu.be/OqLT_CNTNYA

    If you were the exception, and learned growing up how valuable you are as a person, how loved and lovable you are, it’s doubtful that your ‘wrong’ hot button would have been activated by reading the article.

    So it could be well worth your while to explore your question further for yourself. By doing so you could find enormous freedom and relief on the other side of it.

    Here’s a few questions for self-reflection:

    Do I believe I have to work harder or for longer than most people I know?

    Do I rarely take time out to enjoy myself, goof off and have fun? If I do, am I likely to change my plans to suit someone else’s agenda? Even at the last minute?

    Are other’s plans for my life more important than my own? Am I working in a field of my own choosing that I enjoy?

    Do I give my time, energy and money in the hope of being loved or approved of? Do I sometimes feel disappointed that I don’t get the love or appreciation I want and believe I deserve?

    Do I, or have I ever bent over backwards or worked my butt off trying to make someone else happy? Without realising that was their job to do? Or the cost to myself of doing so?

    Why do I believe that someone has to be ‘right’ and someone has to be ‘wrong’? Where did I learn that from? And what will it take for me to let myself off the hook of either?

    2) Is it always the man in the wrong?

    3) What does a man do when he’s in the right?

    In a nutshell, the above post is about:

    The premise that life is unpredictable.
    Taking your attention and energy off trying to control the uncontrollable.
    Being present.
    Counting your blessings.
    Exercising gratitude.
    The wisdom of not projecting fearful thoughts into the future.
    Believing you deserve good things in life (in this post the focus is on relationship).
    Letting go of whatever from the past doesn’t serve your life or relationship in the present.

    Right or wrong is something you’re reading into the article, not out of it.

    The question was asked by a man so I replied to a man.

    Yet the points above would be equally beneficial for women. I find great peace and joy when I keep them in my mind and my heart. Not that I always succeed!

    We’re all a work in progress Wouldn’t it be wise to remember that and be a little easier on ourselves and each other as we journey through this amazing experience called life?

    Many thanks for your questions.
    Good luck with everything,
    Abi

    Reply
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