Are you open to discovering the untapped spiritual potential of lasting longer in bed?

Let's start with acknowledging that sex, as it's experienced in our culture, is rarely a mystical or transcendental experience.

  • Partly because of the minimalist corruption of sexuality in our society. In which the egoic goals of satisfaction, performing well, making her come, and yes, even lasting longer, are often considered the pinnacle of success between the sheets.
  • Partly because for some, their sexual histories are a repository of faulty conditioning, guilt, shame and trauma. So the notion of sex as a transformative or divine experience may seem like something straight out of the Twilight Zone.
  • And partly because sex has been portrayed by some religions as an obstacle to God, rather than a way to God.

Of course there may be many other reasons, but it's not the purpose of this post to explore them. Rather, this post is my humble attempt to open your mind and heart to what's possible for a woman to experience with a man who can last longer in bed, when he's in a state of relaxed arousal.

I write this from my own lived experience.

I left my 13 year long marriage many years ago. In doing so, I was sure of one thing, I was done with men forever.

Almost a year later, I met a man who I've since called an angel in disguise. He awoke something in me that I thought was long dead, and I knew my life wouldn't be the same after that. It was time now to challenge the sexual conditioning I'd grown up with. To confront the fear, guilt and shame, which for too long I'd lived under the shadow of, and to heal my relationship to my sexuality.

A Woman's Desire

Shortly after, I met another man, whose presence in my life over a few months left an indelible imprint. While appearing ordinary in every way, he had an extraordinary capacity to hold space for a woman's desire and arousal to intensify. A process that too many men are inclined to rush, with disastrous consequences. 

When a woman is in a high state of sexual arousal, her entire body is an erogenous zone. She feels every touch so deeply, and becomes oblivious to everything outside of this holy moment of now.

There's an old Tantric saying, I'm not sure where it originated, that says, “A man should only enter a woman when she's begging him to, with tears in her eyes”.

I was often in this state with him, experiencing how longing has its own deliciousness that's rarely tasted in the rush to “satisfaction”. How longing sensitises every cell in a woman's body until the craving to be deeply penetrated becomes unbearable. Then, when a man penetrates in a state of relaxed arousal, rather than in fervour, or too soon out of a fear he won't last, a woman wants to draw him all the more deeply inside her.

A Wave of Ecstasy

Because I’d experienced that this man could last just as long as he wanted to, my body learned to relax and surrender deeply. To ride on a wave of ecstasy without fear that it would end abruptly. One day, this led to a paradigm shift that altered my entire perspective of life, love, God, sex, spirituality and death.

It was one Saturday afternoon, after we’d been leisurely making love for a couple of hours, and were in a completely altered state. It seemed nothing existed outside of that room, outside of the erotic energetic bubble we were in. My whole body felt so alive, pulsating with such intensity I'd never felt before.

At its peak came a moment of choice, to let go completely or to stay with the known. In letting go, would I ever come back? Would I come back as a basket case, or no longer able to fit into the life I knew? Then the moment passed, and there was no choice, there was only a letting go. A letting go of ego, a letting go of identity, a letting go of everything known, complete surrender. I entered into an orgasmic state in which wave after wave of ecstasy rolled through the soft mess that was once me. But “I” was gone.

Indescribable

It's at this point that one runs into the limitation of words. How is it possible to describe the indescribable? So I'm aware that this will be a miserable attempt at best…

I was everything and nothing. Everything in the universe was part of me and I was part of it, no separation. In a timeless state of Oneness with all that is, all-encompassing unconditional love. There was no separation between sex and spirit, heaven and earth, human and divine. This state of total bliss, ecstasy and rapture was far beyond anything words could come close to describing. I learned that far from being an impediment to communion with the divine, the body is the ground in which we experience it. 

After my partner’s full-bodied letting go, together we drifted into a twilight zone of our own. I have no idea how long we lay there intertwined, motionless. When we came to move, very slowly, the energetic connection between us was such that we couldn't tell for a while which body part belonged to whom. Like astronauts in space who need to manage their re-entry into the earth’s atmosphere carefully, instinct bade us to manage our re-entry into normal consciousness the same way.

But I landed in a new, expanded normal. I couldn't shrink back into my old life, my old mind, after what had been one of the most profound, transformative experiences of my life. And what a blessing that was!

Sexual Self-Mastery

Now my understanding of what it means for a man to last longer has been very much informed by this and similar experiences in my life. It goes way beyond the idea of a man simply lasting a few minutes longer in intercourse before succumbing to an ejaculatory reflex he feels powerless to control. 

That limited idea has arisen out of the societal conditioning that's crippling a man's sexuality today.

So on the contrary, it’s about…

  • How he can revel in a state of relaxed arousal. This is so different from the tension and tightness that often accompanies sexual arousal. That tension can cause the entire experience of lovemaking to feel fraught with anxiety, from start to the inevitable premature end.
  • Delighting in the discovery of how a woman responds so differently to a man in relaxed arousal, who can now hold space for her desire and arousal to intensify. Whereas a man in a state of tense arousal tends to induce tension in his partner, who may then feel burdened by a sense of having to caretake his anxiety and tension. This is a total passion killer for her!
  • How in a state of relaxed arousal he can be fully present to her and emotionally available to connect with her. (It’s the inability to do this that causes many women to shut down to sex, not because a man can’t physically last longer.)
  • Reveling in embodied pleasure in every moment, without the intrusion of anxious thoughts and worries about how long he might last, or stay hard.
  • Learning to trust the natural flow of his sexual energy, in which he can allow his erection to come and go without fear that he’s going to lose it completely.
  • Discovering and savoring the delights of slow sex at times, in which a woman can feel his every exquisite micromovement send waves of pleasure throughout her entire body.

Learning to last longer in a more holistic way that aims toward sexual / spiritual integration, and works with a man's natural design, encourages him to develop...

  • A powerful sense of self-confidence, self-esteem and self-sovereignty, as he comes to see and to own the reality of himself as a divine conduit of love and power in a sacred male body.
  • The sexual self-mastery that gives him that increasingly rare ability to last longer while being so fully present to his partner that she can trust she can let go completely with him.
  • The capacity to hold the space for the woman in his life to surrender to a cosmic experience of divine union. The energy of which may reverberate within her being for the rest of her life.

Every Man Is A Divinity In Disguise

Ralph Waldo Emerson said in his time, "Every man is a divinity in disguise, a God playing the fool".

While there's truth in the first half of that statement, I wonder if he were here today, would he change the latter half to more accurately describe the reality of our time...

Every man is a divinity in disguise, a God conditioned to play the fool.

But please, don't take my word for it. Instead, I want you to test this out for yourself. When you were growing up, who taught you that your sexuality, when connected to your heart and awareness, is so powerful that you are capable of channeling divine power, light, love and healing through it?

Or were you conditioned to believe something else?

Today, I offer a unique one-to-one completely confidential, holistic, intensive "Last Longer In Bed" 7 week program to men who long to last longer, delight their partner, and have been disappointed with anything they’ve tried so far.

About the author 

Abi O'Donovan

Hi, I'm Abi O'Donovan. I work with men over 40 who worry about their sexual performance, are frustrated they can't last longer in bed, or sometimes can't get or sustain an erection, even though their doctor says they can find no reason why.

In my life I relish; both solitude and good company, tending my beautiful garden in Ireland, tootling around the Wicklow hills in my vintage MX5, good wine, slow touch, and the soul-reviving pleasure of contemplation in nature.

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