Do you know there’s a way that men are conditioned in our culture into a model of sexuality that leads to burnout and breakdown?
Yet because this is seen as ‘normal’ very few question it?
But first of all...
Who am I, and what qualifies me to talk about this?
My name is Abi O'Donovan. You may read more about me on my About page.
I'd been offering Divine Ground Tantra massage and in-person sexual/spiritual integration coaching since early 2014. Covid-19 brought that activity to an abrupt halt in 2020.
From the start, 99.9% of my clients were men, and what I learned from them in those years went deeper than anything I'd ever learned on any training. And opened my eyes wide to the frustration and pain that lies behind the smile. That many feel they can't talk to anyone about.
I've had much real world experience in working intimately with men to date, and helped many to go from burnout and breakdown to living in harmony with their natural design.
So I speak from observation and experience.
That said, I want to say something important to you - Don't believe a word I say.
Instead, test it out for yourself to see if anything you read here may be true for you.
Because in your life you've unconsciously set up external authorities in relation to your sexuality that you've given power to.
These may include anything in the culture you grew up in. Or that in which you live now. The media. Porn. Your peers. A past event or past relationship. The advertising industry. The pharmaceutical industry.
You may be astonished at how much any of these can profoundly influence you, without you even being aware of it.
So while a guide might come in handy, the last thing you need is another external authority!
Ok, now we've got that straight, let's dive in...
What’s Really Crippling A Man's Sexuality Today?
I was a little surprised in the early days at the number of men who would arrive complaining of premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction or dissatisfaction, and sexual performance anxiety.
Also many concerned that an occasional dalliance with porn was now becoming a daily compulsion.
Regardless of the presenting complaint, there were 3 factors about the above that most men believed...
I started to look deeper, asking “What's really going on here?”
I listened to men talk about their experiences and struggles. And often, I think it's fair to say, bewilderment. "Why me? When I've never had a problem before? And why now?"
A Pattern Emerges
When you listen to many people talk about the same issue, over time you begin to hear the same or similar things said. A pattern emerges.
Below is an illustration of the pattern I started to see repeatedly...
A disempowering dialogue taking place between the mind and the genitals.
“What if this is like the last time?” “What if I can’t perform?” “What if I can’t last long enough?” And so on. Each anxious thought gives way to the next, and the next.
Before he knows it, instead of feeling excited about what’s to come, a man can feel his palms sweating. His heart beats faster as his nervousness builds. Which is likely to create the dreaded situation he so desperately wanted to avoid.
All the anxious thoughts that go around in a man's head activate the sympathetic nervous system (SNS). This sets off the fight or flight response. Or he may find himself going into a freeze state. In more primitive animals any of these are only activated in response to a threat in the environment.
The SNS stimulates ejaculation and tends to inhibit erections.
Because everyone is trained to live in their heads these days, there's often a massive disconnect between a man's mind and body.
Note that the mind and genitals in a man are 'active poles'. We'll see the significance of this shortly.
Burnout & Breakdown
You'll see in the illustration /checklist below the very real impact of this disempowering dialogue on a man's self-esteem, mental and emotional health, sex life, and relationships.
It's not just intimate relationships that are affected. In any struggle with issues around his sexuality, it tends to spill out into other areas of his life.
As human beings, regardless of gender or orientation, our sexuality is a core part of our humanity. When something goes 'wrong' with it, it's like a black ink has spilled out over everything.
A Cultural Phenomenon?
A man suffering with some aspect of his sexuality, would often say “I have a problem with…”.
If a small number of men were to have such a problem it would be reasonable to say that's a personal problem. However, as SO many men suffer likewise today, is it not more accurate to say that a man is having a personal experience of a cultural phenomenon?
And because the problem exists within a context, a paradigm, is it not the height of insanity to focus on fixing a problem as if the context is irrelevant!
So what is this paradigm?
The disintegration paradigm. The burnout and breakdown model of male sexuality...
Note: Anything listed above may have another cause in any individual. If you have any concern about any aspect of your health please see an appropriately qualified medical practitioner.
When The Old Model Doesn’t Work Anymore...
Buckminster Fuller declared “When the old model doesn’t work anymore, you have to build a new model that makes the old model obsolete.”
However, in this case it’s not about building a new model, it’s about seeing that which has always been there. That works with a man's natural design and involves the integration of body, mind, heart, sex and soul.
In which he can come to know himself as he really is, a divine conduit of love and power in a sacred male body.
And no longer live with a nagging self-doubt, or lack of self-confidence, but with a sense of his self-sovereignty.
Fear, guilt and shame may be passing feelings, alerting him to where he may have gone off track in deviating temporarily from his own deeply held moral code. Because who he is and what he stands for as a man matters to him.
But these would no longer be the internalised states of being that his culture instilled in him at an early age, which he had no defence against. Which he’s tried to ward off ever since by being ‘good’.
He’d relish lovemaking, not feel anxious about it, or hold back and so drive a woman wild with frustration.
Because she wants to be met by a man who isn’t afraid of the power of his sexuality. But one who sees it as a gift to be shared, not a problem that needs to be solved. And certainly not something he should apologise for!
Let's see what it looks like...
Integration - Working With A Man's Natural Design
You have a number of systems within your being; a circulatory system, endocrine system, respiratory system etc. When these operate in harmony, the result tends to be good health and a feeling of well being.
These all exist, just as your body exists, within your energy system. Energetic patterns in your body can be measured by MRIs, EEGs etc.
Modalities such as acupuncture and acupressure work to free up energy in your energy meridians which has become blocked or stagnant.
There are 4 easily identifiable energy centres in the body; mind, heart, gut or belly and the genitals.
In a man, the mind and genitals are more active poles or centres of energy.
The mind is almost always active; thinking, planning, strategizing, doubting or ruminating.
While the lingam physically sticks out when a man has an erection. Powerhouse of his sexual energy. Clearly this is a very active centre!
Note: The ancient Sanskrit term for penis is ‘lingam’, which means ‘Wand of Light’.
The heart, centre of love, compassion and courage, and the belly, centre of the emotional body are more receptive poles.
The Heart / Genital Connection
Do you know there’s a core truth about men that isn’t written in any book?
It’s written on the body.
On the most sacred part of a man’s body, his lingam.
This naming 'Wand of Light' evokes a sense of respect, indeed reverence. Because ‘lingam’ acknowledges the presence of the divine light within.
Divine Ground Tantra massage included a slow, gentle, honouring, lingam massage. One which could re-awaken sensitivity in a man’s lingam. A sensitivity often dulled by repeated hard, fast, insensitive masturbation.
One day, while in a meditative state doing lingam massage, I noticed something I’d never noticed before. That the tip of a man’s lingam, on the side that faces his partner when he has an erection, is shaped like a heart.
I gazed, mesmerized. “How is it that I’ve never seen this before?”
I’ve long believed that the core wound on our planet is the separation between sex and spirit and the genitals and the heart.
It was in service to the healing of this split that I began offering Divine Ground Tantra Massage to those who wished to heal this within themselves.
Now I was holding the hard evidence in my hands that a man’s heart and his genitals are intimately connected, and meant to be so.
And this truth is encoded into his very flesh.
Books may be burned, truth distorted and covered up, but what’s written on the body cannot be denied.
I wondered in that moment, was I alone blind? Tenderly holding this man’s lingam in my hands, our eyes gazing into one another’s soul, I broke our gaze and as I gently traced the shape of his lingam heart with my finger, I looked into his eyes again and invited him to look downwards.
I asked him “Are you aware that the top of your lingam is shaped like a heart?”
His answer was one I’ve heard repeated by countless men I've asked that question of since.
“Do you see it is?”
“Yes” (often smiling!).
“And you’ve never noticed that before?”
“No, but now that you mention it, I see it. I’ve never noticed that before but it’s true.”
Have You Noticed This?
Whether you’re a lingam owner or not, have you noticed this?
And if not, why not?
Is it because all of us as a species, including men, have been trained to see male sexuality in a negative light? Rather than have a balanced perspective on it and acknowledge the wonderful gift it is when aligned with the heart and awareness?
Mind / Belly Connection
The belly is the centre of your emotional body. Again, don't take my word for it, test it out for yourself...
How many times in your life did you get a sense deep in your belly to do something, or not do it?
And you let your logical, rational mind talk you into doing the opposite? Which turned out to be a disaster!
When you feel great excitement upon hearing wonderful news, where do you feel it first?
Or you receive a scary letter from the bank, where does it hit you?
We even use terms like "I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach" "My stomach was churning all the way there" "I had a bad feeling in my gut about him from the start".
The belly is also the seat of deep wisdom.
To consciously harmonise the active, analytical mind with this centre is to connect with an often ignored deeper level of power.
Putting It All Together
Do you remember in the old days when cars had a distributor cap with a rotor arm on the inside? Which carried the spark to the spark plugs in the cylinder head via a set of leads? And if each lead wasn't in the correct order the engine might backfire or wouldn't work properly.
Now imagine what would happen if you took 2 of the leads away entirely?
That's right, the engine wouldn't fire at all.
And if you tried to power up a device which has 2 active and 2 receptive poles by putting a charge onto the 2 active ones while ignoring the receptive ones, that wouldn't work too well either would it?
Yet that's exactly what the disintegration paradigm suggests should work with your electrical energy system!
And the tragedy is that men think there's actually something wrong with them when they haven't a hope in hell of making something work that defies so much of what both science and nature teaches us.
Which side of the equation below do you think is likely to hold more power for you?
In the disintegration paradigm the wisdom of the heart and belly are bypassed.
What exists in nature that abandons its own heart and centre?
And imagine, if your spine was bent out of shape, you'd find it difficult if not impossible to walk, to function in your life.
So if your sexual energy is all bent out of shape why would you be so hard on yourself in thinking you should still be able to function normally?
Yet your sexual energy is life-force energy that if you're not using to make a baby today you can use to fuel and power your life.
By bringing it into an alignment that supports you, instead of working against you.
The arrows in the illustration below represent the inflow of life-force energy to your being. You receive an abundance of this energy every day.
Think about this, there are still stone columns in parts of the world that have been standing for centuries. Because when the blocks were placed in alignment, one on top of the other, they could stand strong.
Yet if any of these blocks were out of alignment, the whole structure would crumble.
Coming into alignment and integrating all parts of yourself, body, mind, heart, sex and soul, can transform...
And much more...
It's not everybody who's an early adopter of new technology, or a new way of looking at things.
Because it's a challenge to look at life differently. To think and do things differently. But there are times when the rewards of doing so are tremendous.
Nature within you strives towards balance. In an energy system that is completely out of balance, something has to give.
Your point of power to choose the imbalanced state of disintegration, or the balanced state of alignment and integration is by no means a once in a lifetime choice, but yours to make in every moment.
Optimal sexual functioning is an expression of an integrated system.
3 Reasons why it’s important that you have the option to choose
1) Living out of the disintegration paradigm works fine for recreational sex or short term relationships. Because the sexual/mental energy generated is often sufficient to meet the needs of the moment.
I’ve asked many men, “What is it that you really want in terms of sex or relationships with women?”
Without exception, every one has said “I want to meet a woman that I can have a real connection with”.
The problem is...
You can't get there from here.
Because disconnection on the inside can't create connection on the outside.
As within, so without.
All it’s likely to create is a series of drama-filled, unfulfilling relationships.
That one day takes you to a point where you think, “It's just not worth it”, and give up.
2) The pain felt by so many men in sexless marriages today is enormous. And it tends to be the case that when intercourse goes, all intimacy and affection goes too.
Yet there’s little if any awareness that the disintegration paradigm is a contributing factor in the epidemic of sexless marriages today.
Here’s why it is…
Because the sex many women crave is an integrative experience of body, mind, heart, sex and soul.
No doubt the same thing that in the depths of your own heart and soul you most want to have with her?
Yet this is well nigh impossible from a place of disintegration.
Also, it would serve you to let go of the greatest lie our culture has seduced many men into believing - that if you can improve your ‘performance’ all will be well.
Because a woman doesn’t want a performance. She wants to be met. All the way through.
3) If you ever think...
Why I Created This Website And All That's Offered On It Today
As a young child, I was savagely shamed and humiliated by my mother for self pleasuring; told it was disgusting. Being reminded "Holy God is watching you" was the final nail in the coffin of my curiosity and self-exploration. For both the ogre in the sky God, and mother, were too formidable a team for any little girl to take on alone.
Puberty was hell. By the time I got to 27, I was suicidally depressed. Even though I now had two children, aged 10 and 5, in all the years since that early experience I'd never once touched my own body for pleasure.
That summer I had a profound spiritual experience which changed everything. Not long after, I explored the forbidden territory of my own body for the first time. It was a beautiful revelation.
It took a further 7 years before I found the courage to walk away from my painful marriage. Having done so, I was sure about one thing, I was done with men forever.
Yet within the year, I had an encounter with someone I can only describe as an angel in the form of a man, in which that decision was turned on its head.
After this, I embarked on a conscious quest to reclaim and heal my relationship to my sexuality. This became my highest priority because I instinctively knew that the area of greatest wounding held the greatest potential for transformation.
Along the way I met some wonderful men, to whom to this day I feel a warmth in my heart and deep gratitude toward for being part of my journey.
It was a journey that wasn't always plain sailing. At times it was difficult, messy and painful. And I had to endure some harsh judgment along the way.
But reaching the shore of personal sovereignty, easing into a sense of wholeness and completeness, knowing that there isn't a part of myself out there somewhere that I need to bring home, made it all worthwhile. Now I mostly live with a level of inner peace that I once could have only dreamed of.
Why I created this website and all I offer on it today is because…
Ralph Waldo Emerson declared,
“Every man is a divinity in disguise, a God playing the fool”.
They didn't do inclusive text in his day! Of course the divinity he speaks of is inherent in every person.
Yet his statement perfectly articulates what I know to be true in every cell and fiber of my being.
When a man gains victory over his frustrations, experiences his natural state of alignment and integration, and so becomes powerfully at peace with his sexuality, he awakens to a new sense of spiritual power within himself. A power that's intrinsic to his being, that no one can take away. He discovers the treasure within that he didn't know he was seeking.
Imagine, if a critical mass of men decided to quit being fooled by a culture and society that would have them believe that being a man is a problem, and instead owned and embraced that divinity within, wouldn't we all be living in a much better, happier world?
I think so, and ultimately this is why I created this site and offer you what I do. We all have our unique ways to contribute to life, and right now this is mine. I hope we’ll get to know one another more over time, and that today you find something on your visit here that lights that spark of knowing within you that your future can be different from your past.