Does Lasting Longer In Bed Feel Like An Impossible Dream To You?
Hi, my name is Abi O’Donovan,
For over 7 years, I worked intimately with hundreds of men as a Tantra Massage practitioner. Many of whom were frustrated with their sexual performance and inability to control their ejaculation.
During this time, I was able to decode the 4 things a man does which prime his body to ejaculate quickly.
Today, I offer a unique one-to-one completely confidential, intensive ‘Last Longer In Bed’ 7 week program to men who long to last longer, and have been disappointed with anything they’ve tried so far.
Over the years men who've come to me say...
Before they come to me they've often tried...
Maybe you can relate.
Then after a while, you get your hopes up enough to try something else. Only to find that it leaves you feeling more embarrassed or frustrated when it made little if any difference. Or worse, leaving you thinking that there must be something wrong with you.
There’s a reason why the above don’t work for many men, and it’s this…
Optimal sexual functioning is an expression of an integrated system; body, mind, heart, sex and soul. Any of the above techniques deny this. Because they focus on the level of the genitals and the logical, rational, conscious mind, which is about 5% of the problem.
We’ll come back to this later, but for now I gently invite you to consider…
For now, enough talking about what doesn’t work. Here's how this ‘Last Longer In Bed’ program came about and what makes it very different to anything you may have tried before…
As the creator of Divine Ground Tantraᵀᴹ, I practiced Divine Ground Tantra massage for over 7 years. Many of my clients were frustrated with a long term problem of not being able to last in bed.
They were not only tired of the problem, but of the loneliness it created; often being too embarrassed to talk to their partner about it.
Over time, in addition to all the anxious thoughts churning in a man's mind before and during lovemaking; "What if this is like the last time?” “What if I can’t perform?” “What if I can’t last long enough?” “This will be more of the same”, I began to notice other patterns that these men had in common.
4 Things A Man Does Which Prime His Body To Ejaculate Quickly
Eventually, I was able to decode the 4 things that a man does which prime his body to ejaculate quickly. I rarely met a man struggling with lasting longer who wasn't doing at least three of these on any occasion.
I began to wonder, "I can see what a guy's doing that's causing him to come before he wants to. But if, during the massage, I could guide him into doing the exact opposite of these 4 things, what would happen?"
What happened was astonishing.
Guys who were very nervous beforehand, thinking that they might totally embarrass themselves by ejaculating almost as soon as they receive intimate touch, could not believe that they could actually enjoy, delight in, a full 20 minute lingam (penis) massage without any urge to ejaculate. (In Tantra, the term ‘lingam’ means ‘Wand of Light’.)
Not only that, but often a man would enter into a profound state of bliss. In which I would sometimes whisper softly to him "If you were to make love from this state would it be different?
His answer was always the same, "Yes".
Now I need to pause to make something clear here. The massage may have been a wonderful embodied experience of how differently he could experience the flow of his sexual energy. One that could give him a sense of hope, perhaps for the first time, that there was nothing wrong with him.
That now he could begin to understand how without being aware of it, he'd been training his body to ejaculate quickly for his entire life.
But, this one-time experience was not likely on its own to actually change anything. In fact, if he was to go back to doing the combination of the 4 things he normally did when aroused, it was highly unlikely to change anything in the long term.
Doing The Reverse Of These 4 Things
I got curious, and wondered “What if I were to teach these guys how to do the reverse of these 4 things? To do this as a practice, every day, for 20 minutes at home. Could this repattern their whole arousal / response cycle, and flow their sexual energy in a way that didn't encourage rapid ejaculation. Orient them to whole body pleasure, deeper connection to themselves and their partner, and ultimately help them to last longer in bed”.
So that’s what I began to do. Early on, Pat, who was in his mid 50s, came to see me for a Tantra massage. This was his experience…
The moment he received lingam touch during the massage, he ejaculated. Saying that he was embarrassed does not come close to describing how he felt and how he appeared in that moment.
Very upset, he poured out then about how he couldn’t believe he still had this problem at this stage of his life. Even after trying everything he’d found online, hoping it would help.
I asked him if he would be willing to try something that would be very different to anything he’d tried before. I stressed that he would need to commit 20 minutes a day to working with a simple, self-pleasure practice I would give him. That it was unlikely to work unless he was willing to invest the time.
He said he was willing to try anything at this stage.
So I instructed him on how to do this practice, which is a foundational part of this ‘Last Longer In Bed’ program.
He promised to do this every day. Then he came back for a 2nd appointment a month later, insisting that he'd not missed a day.
This time, it was very different. He was able to enjoy a full, wait for it… 55 minute lingam massage. While having a full erection. And without ejaculating at all. In such full-bodied bliss that he felt no urge to.
He was ecstatic. As you might imagine.
Now I would never normally have done a 55 minute lingam massage. It was usually about 15-20 minutes. But I was really curious to see, as long as it was clear Pat was still enjoying the experience, just how long someone could last in a highly aroused state after they’d done this practice every day for 30 days.
Now you might wonder “How could he go from where he was, to lasting that long, in such a short space of time?”
Here’s what happened…
Through his daily self-pleasure practice, he learned to stop doing any of the 4 things that he would normally do, and practiced doing the opposite. So he completely broke the long-standing subconscious behavior pattern that caused him to ejaculate quickly, and established a new pattern. One that enabled him to experience relaxed arousal like never before, and to effortlessly last longer.
Now, for the first time in his life, he was able to enjoy lovemaking as the wondrous experience he'd dreamed it could be.
This was accomplished free from anxious thoughts and worry. From going around in circles in his head, being afraid of what might (or might not) happen, while all the time fearing the inevitable. That was all gone.
A Different Experience
But not everyone got results like Pat. Jason had a very different experience.
His whole body trembled at the start of our session as he was so nervous about not lasting.
It came as such a delightful surprise to him to realize that he'd enjoyed a full 20 minute lingam massage without ejaculating, that he couldn't quite believe it at first.
So I instructed him in the home self-pleasure practice, while being very clear that he would need to commit to doing this daily if he wanted to create lasting change.
He was so enthusiastic about the prospect that he promised faithfully he would do the practice every day, and return to see me in a month.
I next heard from him about two and a half years later. Saying he'd got very busy with work after our session, and couldn't keep up with the practice.
This was a pattern I saw repeated. What I came to realize is that…
- 1Desire, information and knowledge don't create change. They’re like the seeds of change. If thrown onto a rocky outcrop, they may germinate, but soon shrivel and die, because there's nothing to nurture their growth.
- 2One of the most difficult things for a man in trying to last longer is that while it’s not easy to change habits he may have had his entire life, it’s much more difficult to try to do it alone.
- 3Without guidance, encouragement, check-ins, or even someone to vent his frustration to when life gets tough and demands from the outer world increase, it’s much easier to get distracted, and go back to the old familiar.
But where and how did all this 'not being able to last' problem start?
I would sometimes in conversation ask a man…
When you were growing up did you learn to love your lingam? That it could bring you and those you choose to share it with great joy?
Were you encouraged at puberty to take time to explore your changing body? To discover what felt good to you, and what didn't? To fully enjoy and delight in leisurely self pleasuring?
Or did you grow up with a sense that your sexuality wasn't something to be celebrated, but maybe even something to keep quiet about? That your sexuality might even be offensive to its creator!
Back then, was masturbation something you were taught to feel shame and guilt around doing?
If so, you may have been afraid of being caught. Thereby forming the habit of doing the deed as quickly as possible. With the focus on the end goal, ejaculation.
Now consider this for a moment, your subconscious mind is way more powerful than your conscious mind, and is always out to protect you. If you grew up in a sex-negative or sex-shaming environment, can you see how learning to ejaculate quickly was actually a survival strategy?
Because just imagine if someone had walked in on you, what would have been the outcome of that?
The shaming and possible punishment is what your subconscious mind was desperately trying to protect you from.
Yet once established, this habit can be very hard to break. Over time the body becomes programmed to ejaculate quickly. Even when there's no danger, and your conscious mind desperately wants it to do the exact opposite!
The tragedy is, that so many men who've lived through this feel there’s something ‘wrong’ with them. They feel broken. But they’re not broken. On the contrary, it's more often the case that they can't see how a survival strategy that worked back then, may be the genesis of a problem they experience for decades afterwards.
So if you want to last longer in bed, can you be open to the possibility that...
"I'm not broken! There's nothing wrong with me. I might have trained my body to ejaculate quickly, and trained it very well, but now I can learn some new ways to expand pleasure and last longer.”
Over time, I put together a 6 week one-to-one program that didn’t include Tantra massage, but did include; weekly one-to-one coaching sessions, detailed instructions in the self-pleasure practice, educational and instructional PDFs, along with email support. I was excited about offering the program without the massage, as now those who were in other parts of the world could benefit from this work just as much as those who lived close by.
Even though some men were ecstatic with the outstanding results they’d achieved as a result of the work; I wanted that for every man. And at times, I would feel disappointed if I was working with someone who didn't quite get the results they wanted.
I had a sense that I was missing something. I asked and prayed to be shown, "What am I missing"?
My Lightbulb Moment
Then one day I was working with Andrew. A single man, who’d endured a couple of heartbreaking break-ups. Which he believed were largely due to the fact that he could barely last a minute during intercourse.
He insisted that before coming to see me he’d tried everything to last longer but nothing had ever helped. Although he was doing his daily pleasure practice, for some reason I was a little concerned about his progress. As we were coming close to the end of our work together, I got an inner prompting to ask him a question I’d never thought to ask anyone before…
“You know, sometimes, for everything that we say we don't want in our lives, there may be some way, that we’re not even conscious of, that the thing we say we don’t want is actually serving us. I know that you really want to last longer and that you’re putting in the practice to do so. Now this might sound like a strange question, but I’m wondering if there’s any small part of you that may not be fully on board with making this change?”
I followed with…
“Or if not being able to last in bed may have helped or benefited you in any way, strange as that may sound? And if so, what’s your guess of what that might be?”
He stopped and thought for a moment. Then he said…
“Well, do you know I think I've always been afraid of getting an STD (sexually transmitted disease), so maybe having this problem has protected me from that. Because I’ve been so embarrassed about not being able to last that I’ve been with very few women.”
So while Andrew was consciously doing everything he could to last longer in bed, his subconscious mind could not allow him to succeed.
Because it was the No.1 job of his subconscious mind to ensure his safety and survival.
To do that, it was running a program every time he got intimate with a woman “Dude, you know it’s dangerous in there, you’ve got to get in and get out quickly”.
So that’s exactly what he did.
His Subconscious Mind Was Running A Program
Andrew’s subconscious mind was running a program, holding onto a deep-seated belief that might have served him at one point in his life. Now, it was keeping him isolated, alone, and lonely.
Time was passing him by. He'd spoken about his desire to meet a woman that he could have a real connection with. How he'd like to have a family of his own someday. He felt this problem was now ruining his life.
The negative belief and fears about sex that were instilled deep in his subconscious were holding Andrew’s body, mind and spirit hostage to the past. He had no idea of how so much of what he’d learned as an impressionable youngster was hardwired into his subconscious. Nor how that was contributing to his problem of not being able to last today.
Bam! Lightbulb moment.
I now understood, I totally got it; why sometimes, no matter how hard a man tried to last longer, it didn't work. Because…
If the conscious mind wants to go one way, but the subconscious wants to go another, which is going to win?
“The conscious mind processes about 40 bits of information a second. While the subconscious processes about 40 million.” Dr. Bruce Lipton.
It’s a no-brainer. The subconscious wins every time!
Why a man who’s tried ‘everything’ may have found ‘nothing worked’.
A man may think it’s his fault; there must be something seriously wrong with him if he’s tried ‘everything’ and nothing’s worked.
That’s not so, because most ‘everything’ is focused on about 5% of the problem. Not the 95%. Which includes the often ignored, subconscious, emotional, energetic and spiritual contributing factors.
I came to realize that when a man would emphatically tell me “I’ve tried everything. Nothing’s worked. Now I don’t believe anything will” that he was doing more than venting his frustration.
He was also stating his belief that nothing would work for him. And beliefs held in the mind tend to find a way into physical expression.
“Believe, and your belief will create the fact.” William James.
So during covid, I got serious about searching for a belief-change modality to add to my work. That could also work on the emotional, energetic and spiritual factors that may be contributing to a man failing to last longer in bed.
My search led me to Clinical EFT, which is the evidence-based form of EFT, (Emotional Freedom Techniques). Over 100 scientific papers about EFT have been published in peer-reviewed medical and psychology journals that include over 50 randomized controlled trials, 5 meta analyses, outcome studies, and review articles.
I was impressed with the sheer amount of published data that points to the effectiveness of Clinical EFT for a wide variety of issues. Research on EFT continues to take place at academic and scientific institutions worldwide.
Sure this was what I'd been searching for, I embarked on a year long rigorous training and certification program with the EFT Tapping Training Institute to become an accredited, certified Clinical EFT practitioner.
EFT is often referred to as EFT/Tapping because it involves lightly tapping on acupuncture points on the face and upper body. This has the effect of calming the amygdala, the stress centre in the brain. It also helps to regulate the fight, flight or freeze response which stimulates ejaculation and inhibits erections.
Now, in 2023, what makes this 'Last Longer In Bed' program very different to anything you may have tried before is...
The Mind/Genital Disempowering Dialogue
This program is a unique synthesis of Clinical EFT & Divine Ground Tantra Coaching, specific to this issue.
Nothing in it is a rehash or updated version of any of the old, jaded, bothersome techniques that only address about 5% of the problem of not being able to last longer.
This program is built on the foundation that optimal sexual functioning is an expression of an integrated system; body, mind, heart, sex and soul.
Built not from theory or conjecture, but from hundreds of hours of direct experience of working intimately with men.
So this program is designed to work on both the conscious and subconscious level, to assist you to…
And just in case there's any small part of you that tries to tell you it's selfish to want all the above, or that you don't deserve it, that's a belief we can work on too.
So if you'd like to know what's included in this program, I'm delighted to present to you...
Abi O'Donovan's Last Longer In Bed Program
All sessions are one-to-one and completely confidential.
A Laying The Foundation Session - 60 mins.
This session includes...
7 'Last Longer In Bed' Clinical EFT & Divine Ground Tantra Coaching Sessions. - 75 mins. each
These sessions along with your own home practice are the core of this program and include...
Note: The self-pleasuring home practice instruction is done using a prop. Nudity is not a part of these sessions. It is the most natural thing in the world to feel apprehensive about talking with anyone about sexual issues. Because this is the most tender part of all of us. Know that it's my intention to hold a safe space for you as a foundation for our work together.
If you would like to have a greater understanding of what actually happens in these sessions, I invite you to check out the case study which is at the bottom of this page, that one of my clients in an earlier version of this program kindly gave me his full permission to publish. The only difference between then and now is that I've enhanced the program over time by adding more items to it, which you'll see below.
6 Midweek Laser Coaching Calls - 15 mins. each
A week can fly by. And before you know it, it's the day before your next scheduled weekly session with me. Then you're annoyed or embarrassed as you realise you've missed doing your daily pleasure practice for the previous 4 days. It happens! Because it's so easy to prioritise someone else's agenda, get distracted or drawn away from what's important to you. So these 6 midweek laser coaching phone calls with me will assist you in keeping on track with moving steadily towards your goals each week.
Phone or WhatsApp Access To Me.
Access to me via phone or WhatsApp for the duration of the program. If I can’t answer when you call, you may send a text or voice message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. At least within 24 hours.
Up To 7 Hours Email Coaching.
You may email me with any questions that pop up at any time during the program and I’ll come back to you within 24 hours.
Pleasure Zone PDFs.
You won't have to worry about having to remember anything about the self-pleasuring practice as you'll receive all the reminders that you need in written and visual form. These are a very handy reference tool.
As you move from week to week, your personalized results tracker can be a great confidence booster as it will enable you to track your progress. And you get to decide at the outset what would be meaningful for you to see improvement in. So for example, this may include tracking…
All these and more we can track week to week with this comprehensive results tracker.
So Who Is This For?
The Last Longer In Bed Loop Of Futility
If you think this Last Longer In Bed program may be a good fit for you, clicking the button below will take you to my Contact page, where you can discover the pressure-free options to explore this.
P.S. If you'd like to know what it's actually like to work with me, I invite you to click below to read the full case study of my work with a client on an earlier version of my Last Longer In Bed program.