Words have power. What you tell yourself on a daily basis can either help you or harm you. One word has the power to destroy your sex life. It ensures no true intimacy with your partner is possible. It can cause you endless worry and anxiety, which can then affect other areas of your life. This one word is “perform”.
It’s worth looking at where this crazy notion of sexually “performing” has come from. See what’s at the root of it. Deconstruct it, so that you can begin to take your power back and enjoy all the joyful intimacy that’s possible on the other side of performing.
We live in a sex-negative society. It’s a very rare person who was taught about the beauty of their sexuality while growing up. Who was taught to take time over and enjoy self-pleasuring. Or taught to relax and totally enjoy their body and all its deliciousness.
Instead, there was much fear, guilt and shame around sexuality. Masturbation was mostly a furtive activity done as quickly as possible for fear of getting caught in the act. All this created tension and anxiety. As an adult, the ability to simply relax with a partner and trust the ebb and flow of the energy between them was impossible. Cut off from the natural relationship to sexuality, a relationship to “performance” was born in the culture.
Performance is a way to avoid feeling the raw vulnerability that goes with true intimacy. It’s a way to remain energetically aloof and unavailable even when physically connected to your partner. It’s a way to keep what feels like a safe distance between you. Performance is the opposite of intimate.
When two people are continually performing, but are neither connected to their own body or to their partner, the stage is set for sexual dysfunction to occur eventually. Performance is born from a conditioned, disconnected and fearful mind. A conditioned mind generates a conditioned response. How can it do anything else?
In true intimacy you stand truly naked, whether your clothes are on or off. You are open to love, to being fully seen and loved just as you are right now. You have a strong foundation of self-love and a healthy self-esteem. You move beyond the confines of your mind and your conditioning; to deeply connect. Without pretence, without defence.
And that is hot!