I've had the opportunity to watch many men masturbate, which has been fascinating. I've learned so much because of it, that I couldn't have learned in any other way. Not to mention something that surprised me for quite a while...
What I've noticed is that it's rare to see a man touch his lingam with love, respect and delight.
With determination, excitement, fervour, yes. But those aren't quite the same thing. Actually they're not the same at all.
I meet so many men who desire to learn how to truly please a woman. Now I'm going to digress here a bit, but bear with me because it's relevant...
1) Those who enjoy so much about women. Who love being around them. Men who can be present to a woman. Who pay attention to every nuance. Actually listen (big deal to a woman) to her anxieties and concerns of the moment. And without trying to fix anything, can listen until she's done.
Who can ride the wave of a woman's emotions. Which like the sea in any moment, can be turbulent, with great swells that pound the shore. Then in another, the sun's rays sparkle and dance on the calm irridescent surface.
Men who own and enjoy their desire, who see it as a gift.
Who have the capacity to touch a woman with such radiant tenderness that it seems for a moment the world stops turning. Yet who can equally own and express that raw, unfettered, magnificent animal nature that at times a woman craves to be taken by.
These are not necessarily the overtly confident men, or those who appear to be so. No, in fact they're very often not. They're the ones with that energetic vibration of self-sufficiency and self-reliance that silently communicates to a woman "Go as high or as deep as you like, I've got you, I can hold you, ground you afterwards".
These are not just open-minded but open-hearted men. Whose wish to please a woman is rooted in wanting to expand into more deliciousness, more connection, more love.
2) There are men whose desire to please a woman springs from a paralysing fear of being rejected by women.
Whose thought process may often be completely unconscious, in that they're not aware of it at all. "If I learn how to please a woman, she'll be happy. Then she won't reject me, and then I can feel good about myself."
The problem with this inside-out upside-down thinking is this; it doesn't work.
Most women can spot this coming a mile away. And recoil from it.
Such a man unwittingly creates the very experience he wanted so much to avoid, rejection.
So back to masturbation, and what's all this got to do with pleasing a woman? Everything!
In the film 'Dangerous Beauty' a mother is teaching her daughter how to be a great courtesan. Impressing upon her "In order to give pleasure you must know pleasure".
Well that's not quite true. You can give conscious touch, loving touch, that all of you is present in. Whether another experiences that as pleasure or not is subjective.
However, in our sick, twisted culture we've been taught to fear pleasure. It's fine to learn how to give pleasure to another and get some vicarious pleasure from that. But direct pleasure? Oh no, that's too much.
What I've learned from watching many men masturbate is this; it's rarely about pleasure. It's about tension, release, release of tension, having a goal, going for the result, and getting the job done.
It's about sacrificing real pleasure and delight.
It's about all the things that don't work for many women when it comes to sex.
Do you sincerely desire with a pure heart to give pleasure to a woman? Your conscious, loving touch with presence? Would you love to be the man with whom she feels she can surrender deeper than ever before into her own bliss?
Well here's the first and all-important step...
In fact, why not start right now?
Beginning by changing what we call it. The word 'masturbation' derives from an old Latin term. Which loosely translates as 'manual stupidity'.
"Every word is a universe" declares Caroline Myss.
So how about leaving the the entire universe of the word 'masturbation' behind now? And opening up to 'self-pleasure' instead?
Doesn't the energy of those words feel completely different?
But what's the actual difference, the practical difference you may ask?
Or is this just playing with words?
Not at all. On the contrary!
In self-pleasure you slow way down, breathe, relax, feel, enjoy and expand. It's a completely different experience.
A great way to begin is to either hold your hands in front of you, or over your heart centre. Then feel yourself flowing all the love of your heart into your hands.
Then when you touch your lingam, every cell in this sacred power centre can bathe in the love of your own heart. If this sounds a stretch for you, don't worry. Having the intention alone will be enough at first.
Next, breathe deep into your belly, let your belly expand on the inhale, and contract on the exhale. Follow the sense of where your hands want to touch.
It may not be your genitals straight off! Surrender your chattering mind to the infinite wisdom that lies deep in your body. Stay with your breath. Relax your body.
Touch your body wherever it desires to receive touch. Remembering that the slower you go, the more you can feel. As you touch your lingam, do so with a sense of open-hearted curiousity.
What does this touch feel like in the moment? This touch, this touch? Explore, as though you're touching your lingam for the first time.
Of course it goes without saying that this practice is about opening up to what's within. To what you can FEEL. So no porn for this one. And if you feel your mind going off into fantasy, choose any point on your body and breathe into it. As you stay with the breath and the felt sensation in that point you'll disengage from the thought.
Instead, expand into pleasure, into connecting with the bliss of your own being. Surrendering into a state of relaxed arousal. (Over time you'll discover how in relaxed arousal you can make love for as long as you or your partner want you to. And feel so much more in the process.) This feels so delicious that you may completely let go of any notion of racing to a finish line.
To clarify: Of course none of the above means that you don't ejaculate sometimes. Not at all! It simply ceases to be your focus, your goal.
Instead, you surrender to feeling pleasure and delight in your body. You begin to start feeling all the deliciousness that you've been bypassing up to now in pursuit of the goal.
Realise that while the polarity between masculine and feminine can be sizzling, we're all made of pretty much the same stuff. We both feel pain on touching something that's hot. Pleasure in stroking a much loved pet or in feeling the warmth of the sun on our bodies.
So if your self-pleasuring feels better to you, is it likely that your partner may love to receive the touch you give yourself now? As this may be quite different to what she's received to date?
When you get to this point you may feel encouraged to open up a conversation with her. You may even discover that what you now have to offer her may be what she's been wanting all along.
The sensitivity and aliveness that you awaken in your own being can powerfully transform not just you, but your relationship also. Beyond measure.
You'll be memorable, because you'll be different. You won't be a bloke trying to get her off or make her come. Either to boost his own fragile ego or because "this is what men are supposed to do these days".
When you feel genuine love, appreciation and respect for your own body, you'll naturally have it for others.
You'll also have a new sense of confidence that will radiate into every other area of your life.
Because your sexuality is such a core part of your life it affects every aspect of it.
And of course you don't need an erection to feel pleasure. You just need to be willing to feel it.
Tips, tricks and techniques aren't the answer. Because if you're anxious about whether you're doing something 'right' that can take you right out of presence, out of connection.
Connection and presence are what many women desire most from a man. So if you really want to please a woman it might be worth reflecting on these questions...
Some men have found this Free Lingam Love Meditation to be helpful in opening to pleasure.
“I just had a wonderful experience listening to your meditation!
I tend to touch my genitals with only one goal in mind, but this meditation allowed me to circulate my breathing back up to my heart and just enjoy the touch without a goal."
"I listen to the lingam love meditation track probably 3 to 4 nights per week and really enjoy it. It's really helped me to get away from seeking quick pleasure and it's definitely improved my energy."
"I believe it's also strengthened my mental power, in that I can now give myself a full body orgasm from just thought alone and zero physical contact."