I've had the opportunity to watch many men masturbate, which has been fascinating. I've learned so much because of it, that I couldn't have learned in any other way. Not to mention something that surprised me for quite a while... 

What I've noticed is that it's rare to see a man touch his lingam with love, respect and delight.

With determination, excitement, fervour, yes. But those aren't quite the same thing. Actually they're not the same at all.

The Tantric name for penis is ‘lingam’, which means ‘Wand of Light’. 

I meet so many men who desire to learn how to truly please a woman. Now I may appear to digress here a bit, but bear with me because it's relevant...

2 Types Of Men Who Desire To Please A Woman

1) Those who enjoy so much about women. Who love being around them. Men who can be present to a woman. Who pay attention to every nuance. Actually listen (big deal to a woman) to her anxieties and concerns of the moment. And without trying to fix anything, can listen until she's done.

Who can ride the wave of a woman's emotions. Which like the sea in any moment, can be turbulent, with great swells that pound the shore. Then in another, the sun's rays sparkle and dance on the calm irridescent surface.

Men Who Own And Enjoy Their Desire.

Men who own and enjoy their desire, who see it as a gift.

Who have the capacity to touch a woman with such radiant tenderness that it seems for a moment the world stops turning. Yet who can equally own and express that raw, unfettered, magnificent animal nature that at times a woman craves to be taken by.

These are not necessarily the overtly confident men, or those who appear to be so. No, in fact they're very often not. They're the ones with that energetic vibration of self-sufficiency and self-reliance that silently communicates to a woman "Go as high or as deep as you like, I've got you, I can hold you, ground you afterwards".

These are not just open-minded but open-hearted men. Whose wish to please a woman is rooted in wanting to expand into more deliciousness, more connection, more love.

And Then...

2) There are men whose desire to please a woman springs from a paralysing fear of being rejected by women.

Whose thought process may often be completely unconscious, in that they're not aware of it at all. "If I learn how to please a woman, she'll be happy. Then she won't reject me, and then I can feel good about myself."

The problem with this inside-out upside-down thinking is this; it doesn't work.

Most women can spot this coming a mile away. And recoil from it.

Such a man unwittingly creates the very experience he wanted so much to avoid; abandonment and rejection.

How To Please A Woman - What's Masturbation Got To Do With It?

So back to masturbation, and what's all this got to do with pleasing a woman? Everything!

In the film 'Dangerous Beauty' a mother is teaching her daughter how to be a great courtesan. Impressing upon her "In order to give pleasure you must know pleasure".

Well that's not quite true. You can give conscious touch, loving touch, that all of you is present in. Whether another experiences that as pleasure or not is subjective.

However, in our culture we've been taught to fear pleasure. It's fine to learn how to give pleasure to another and get some vicarious pleasure from that. But direct pleasure? Oh no, that's too much.

What I've learned from watching many men masturbate is this; it's rarely about pleasure. It's about tension, release, release of tension, having a goal, going for the result, and getting the job done.

It's about sacrificing real pleasure and delight.

It's about all the things that don't work for many women when it comes to sex.

How To Please A Woman

Do you sincerely desire with a pure heart to give pleasure to a woman? Your conscious, loving touch with presence? Would you love to be the man with whom she feels she can surrender deeper than ever before into her own bliss?

Well here's the first and all-important step...

Begin By Transforming Your Own Relationship To Masturbation

You can begin right now, if you want to, by changing what you call it. The word 'masturbation' derives from an old Latin term. Which loosely translates as 'manual stupidity'.

"Every word is a universe" declares Caroline Myss.

So how about leaving the the entire universe of the word 'masturbation' behind now? And opening up to 'self-pleasure' instead?

But what's the actual difference, the practical difference you may ask?

Is this just playing with words?

Not at all. On the contrary!


Self-pleasure Is A Completely Different Experience

In self-pleasure you slow way down, breathe, relax, feel, enjoy and expand. It's a completely different experience.

A great way to begin is to either hold your hands in front of you, or over your heart centre. Then feel yourself flowing all the love of your heart into your hands.

Then when you touch your lingam, every cell in this sacred power centre can bathe in the love of your own heart. If this sounds a stretch for you, don't worry. Having the intention alone will be enough at first. 

Next, breathe deep into your belly, let your belly expand on the inhale, and contract on the exhale. Follow the sense of where your hands want to touch.

It may not be your genitals straight off! Surrender your chattering mind to the infinite wisdom that lies deep in your body. Stay with your breath. Relax your body. 

The Slower You Go, The More You Can Feel

Touch your body wherever it desires to receive touch. Remembering that the slower you go, the more you can feel. As you touch your lingam, do so with a sense of open-hearted curiousity. 

What does this touch feel like in the moment? This touch, this touch? Explore, as though you're touching your lingam for the first time.

Of course it goes without saying that this practice is about opening up to what's within. To what you can FEEL. So no porn for this one. And if you feel your mind going off into fantasy, choose any point on your body and breathe into it. As you stay with the breath and the felt sensation in that point you'll disengage from the thought.

Expand Into Pleasure

Instead, expand into pleasure, into connecting with the bliss of your own being. Surrendering into a state of relaxed arousal. (Over time you'll discover how in relaxed arousal you can make love for as long as you or your partner want you to. And feel so much more in the process.) This feels so delicious that you may completely let go of any notion of racing to a finish line. 

Self-pleasure Will Now Be The Ground On Which You...

  • Lay the foundation for a much richer, more satisfying relationship to your own sexuality.
  • Discover pleasure points on your lingam which you never knew existed up to now.
  • Awaken deep feelings of pleasure in your genitals and move this through every cell in your being. 
  • Let your entire body enjoy and feel enriched by this well of pleasure you carry within.
  • Experience how amazing it can feel to slow waaay down and FEEL!
  • Re-sensitize your lingam. If you've engaged in hard, fast 'masturbation' for decades you may have de-sensitised this incredibly sensitive organ. Maybe even to the point where it's only when sex is rough, hard and vigorous that you can feel anything in it. (The sort of sex that many women eventually shut down to, especially around menopause.) Now, with slow, delicious, respectful self-pleasuring you can start to create new neural pathways for pleasure.
  • Begin to FEEL so much more in lovemaking. 
  • Feel much more deeply connected to your partner. While she will relish how much more alive and vibrant your lingam now feels inside her.
  • Awaken your senses. See things you didn't see before. Feel more grounded and centered in your body. More intuitive, less stressed.
  • Get to experiment and play with sensual, conscious, loving touch. With being fully present in how you touch yourself. When you can do this, you develop a natural ease and a quiet confidence. Both or which are very attractive to women.

To clarify: Of course none of the above means that you don't ejaculate sometimes. Not at all! It simply ceases to be your focus, your goal. 

Instead, you surrender to feeling pleasure and delight in your body. You begin to start feeling all the deliciousness that you've been bypassing up to now in pursuit of the goal.

Realise that while the polarity between masculine and feminine can be sizzling, we're all made of pretty much the same stuff. We both feel pain on touching something that's hot. Pleasure in stroking a much loved pet or in feeling the warmth of the sun on our bodies.

Awakening Aliveness In Your Own Being

So if your self-pleasuring feels better to you, is it likely that your partner may love to receive the touch you give yourself now? As this may be quite different to what she's received to date?

When you get to this point you may feel encouraged to open up a conversation with her. You may even discover that what you now have to offer her may be what she's been wanting all along.

The sensitivity and aliveness that you awaken in your own being can powerfully transform not just you, but your relationship also. Beyond measure.

When you feel genuine love, appreciation and respect for your own body, you'll naturally have it for another. 

You'll also have a new sense of confidence that will radiate into every other area of your life.

Because your sexuality is such a core part of your life it affects every aspect of it.

So If You Truly Want To Please A Woman

Tips, tricks and techniques aren't the answer. Because if you're anxious about whether you're doing something 'right' that can take you right out of presence, out of connection.

Connection and presence are what many women desire most from a man. So if you really want to please a woman it might be worth reflecting on these questions...

  • How well can I be present to and connect with myself?
  • Does my own touch envelop me in pleasure and delight? 
  • If a woman were to watch me self-pleasure, would she long to receive the touch I give myself?

You may find this Free Lingam Love Meditation to be helpful in opening to pleasure.

About the author 

Abi O'Donovan

Hi, I'm Abi O'Donovan. I work with men over 40 who worry about their sexual performance, are frustrated they can't last longer in bed, or sometimes can't get or sustain an erection, even though their doctor says they can find no reason why.

In my life I relish; both solitude and good company, tending my beautiful garden in Ireland, tootling around the Wicklow hills in my vintage MX5, good wine, slow touch, and the soul-reviving pleasure of contemplation in nature.

If you get value from your visit here today and would like to tip me, please click the button below, thank you...

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