January 14, 2020

Questions asked by a reader...

Regarding sex and sexual energy. What are your thoughts and or opinions on edging or staying on the fringes of orgasm as part of Tantra?  

Getting to that blissful stage and being taught or shown how to make the most of the experience and embrace the spiritual aspect of it? 

Also, can I ask you about what you describe as cosmic orgasmic experience involving total bliss, ecstasy and rapture? 

The above questions are so connected that I thought it would make sense to offer my perspective while acknowledging that. Hence my attempt to comment on all three questions here in one post...

A Flawed Premise About Sex

First of all, you can't start out with a flawed premise and arrive at a correct conclusion.

There's a flawed premise rampant in our culture that we are separate from the divine, and that sex is separate from spirit.

But you can no more separate the sand on the beach from the sea than you can separate sex and spirit.

There isn't a spiritual aspect to bliss because it IS a spiritual experience. But we've been trained to think of the body and sex as not spiritual.

Explosion Of Interest In Tantra

One of the reasons why there's such an explosion of interest in Tantra today is because more people are waking up to their soul knowing that sex and spirit are not at opposite ends of a spectrum. They’re inextricably linked. And in an age of technology induced isolation, and sex that creates more angst and emptiness than joy and satisfaction, they’re seeking more meaning, more real connection in their lives.

Unfortunately, some have it all backwards, as they look to Tantra as something to fit into or ‘get right’. In that, ‘Tantra’ becomes another outside authority, something else to give your power away to. Not recommended!

Not to mention that there are numerous strands of Tantra. Each with their own emphasis, and fundamental differences.

Edging Or Staying On The Fringes Of Orgasm

What’s your intention or experience with edging or staying on the fringes of orgasm? It’s all in that. It can be primarily a genitally focused exercise of the mind and the ego.

Or if, with conscious intention, you open your heart and use your breath to move the energy through your body it can be a sublime expansive experience.

What if you disregard anyone's thoughts or opinions? Or whether anything you're doing is a part of Tantra or not?

But rather, tune into "What would I feel aliveness, joy and expansion in playing or experimenting with in this moment? As I quiet my overactive mind and breathe into my body, feel the connection between my heart, sex and soul, what do I feel a deep excitement about, or desire to experience?"

Because it's time now for you to connect with, and trust, your own deep inner wisdom, and let that be your guide.

Surrender Your Mind, Connect With Your Body

So if there’s a belief in the separation between sex and spirit, how do you change the belief?

The way I'm most familiar with is experience. But how do you have an experience that’s contrary to the belief?

One way is to put yourself in a situation in which you can surrender your mind and connect with your body, the infinite field of intelligence within. And surrender completely to the energy moving within you.

Dissolve Into The Ecstasy Of Everything And Nothing

Now here's the difficult bit; all your life you've been trained to live in your head. Trained to think, to plan, to fix things, solve problems, to DO.

So who are you when you're not doing what’s second nature to you?

Maybe you feel a little anxious, a little guilty, a bit uneasy when you're not running that programme. Yet that's the programme you need to let go of to dissolve into bliss, to dissolve into the ecstasy of everything and nothing. To dissolve into that divine cosmic union that’s always calling you to come and rest awhile.

When Making Love...

Now if you're wondering if you're running that programme when it comes to making love, here's a couple of suggestions about how you can explore that question for yourself...

  • If at some point you feel you're losing your erection, do you surrender to that experience, trusting the ebb and flow of your sexual energy, and so trusting it will come back?
  • Or do you think there's something wrong if you're not hard from start to finish? Do you have a belief that you should be? If you feel you're losing your erection do you tighten your pelvis, buttocks and thighs to try to keep it? Do you do something or ask your partner to do something to encourage your lingam to remain hard? As your mind believes it should be.
  • Can you relax when you're naked with a woman? Can you feel at ease, connected? If there's any physical action between you does that arise out of the flow of energy within and between you? Which may be sizzling or soft in any moment.
  • Or do you think there's something you should be doing? Are you wondering what she thinks about you or if she likes what you're doing? Is there any shred of anxiety within you? Any thoughts or worries like “Am I going to be able to last long enough? Am I going to be able to make her come? What will she think of me if I can't?" Which are you more focused on, your performance, or pleasure and connection?

Just notice what’s true for you, and be gentle with yourself if you realise that that programme is strong in you. Awareness is the first step to change.

Cosmic Orgasmic Experience

Cosmic orgasmic experience involving total bliss, ecstasy and rapture...

These can be surrendered into in many ways. Sex is only one way. There’s prayer, meditation, breath, full and total presence in any moment. Or you could find yourself in awe watching the most incredible sunset some evening, and in your immersion be transported into that state. Also, releasing emotional pain held for many years can be a gateway to it. I believe there are an infinite number of ways.

Dancing that you put your whole body and soul into is one. I recall some time ago having a powerful experience of this. I was dancing in the daytime, in a room full of people with a wall of glass between us and the landscape outside. With a lake below, pine trees all around, that looked like they'd been there forever. And on the far shore of the lake, a patchwork quilt of fields lay over the earth.

At one point I’d my arms outstretched, taking it all in. I felt a by now familiar sense of being part of all I could see and all that I could see was part of me. Feeling a rush of energy coming up from the earth, my fully open throat centre expressed the sound of my surrender to it.

Luckily a woman beside me caught me before I fell to the ground. She held me for I don't know how long as I screamed and shook. Every cell in my being expanded, exploding with this energy. As I felt myself as the divine conduit of energy that I now know we all are.

These Experiences Can Change Everything

There are no words that can ever accurately describe such an experience. Those I'm using now, I'm aware as I'm writing, are a very poor attempt to do so. Yet the limitation of words, the inability to articulate an experience takes nothing away from it.

And these experiences can change everything. How you view the world, yourself, and your place in it. Imagine walking through a once closed gate, only to find that having done so, something has changed so profoundly, so deeply, that there's no way of going back. No way to unknow what you now know. Not know with your mind but with all that you are, with every cell and fibre of your being.

Losing Fear Of Death, Crossing A Sacred Threshold

The first time I ever surrendered into that cosmic union, which was during sex, I lost all fear of death.

Surrendering into wave after wave of orgasm, I was fully in my body, yet out of my body and above my body at the same time. There was no separation. I was gone, dissolved, melted. Part of all that is and all that is part of me. With the energy reverberating for ages afterwards, neither of us could move. I couldn't tell which parts of our intertwined bodies were mine and which were his. That day I crossed a sacred threshold that I never came back from.

A Life-changing Discovery

I understood then why sexual energy has been so demonized through the ages. Because when we go all the way through it we discover there's no separation between sex and spirit, heaven and earth, human and divine. And people aren't so easily subdued, controlled, or willing to give up their sovereignty when they make that discovery.

I’m so glad that I had that experience, and a few similar afterwards, before I’d ever heard of ‘Tantra’. Because a while later a friend lent me a popular book on Tantra. I think I got to page 11 before declaring “This is a load of shite!” Which I’m sure it wasn’t, but having had the experiences I’d had at that stage, I couldn’t buy into all the complicated instructions about what was necessary to experience them. Because I knew that wasn’t so.

Had I actually read the book first I wonder if I’d have been so open to the experience?

Knowledge is a wonderful thing. But sometimes, knowledge can be a barrier to experience. 

And that includes knowledge of ‘Tantra’.

Much of what you need to know about sex, sexual energy, bliss, ecstasy and rapture can be summed up in 5 phrases…

  • Be present
  • Breathe
  • Open Your Heart
  • Let go
  • Surrender

Keep it simple 🙂

About the author 

Abi O'Donovan

Hi, I'm Abi O'Donovan. I work with men over 40 who worry about their sexual performance, are frustrated they can't last longer in bed, or sometimes can't get or sustain an erection, even though their doctor says they can find no reason why.

In my life I relish; both solitude and good company, tending my beautiful garden in Ireland, tootling around the Wicklow hills in my vintage MX5, good wine, slow touch, and the soul-reviving pleasure of contemplation in nature.

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